What do you do when faced with utter darkness? How do you put one foot in front of the other when before you stands an enemy that would rather see you fail and never recover, rather than step aside and let you pass? What do you do when the only way to victory is THROUGH what terrifies you most?

I remember that night like it was yesterday. I had put the kids to bed, turned out all the lights, washed my face and brushed my teeth ready to hit the sack for the night. It had been a peaceful night and slumber was getting the best of me as I slid into the cool covers and snuggled in for the night.

As soon as my mind began to succumb to sleep, the unmistakable sound of a loud pounding on my bedroom window shattered my slumber. I sat straight up in the bed, heart pounding and mind racing.

Did I really hear that? Was I dreaming? Was there someone outside my bedroom window and could they be a threat to my safety and my children’s safety? My husband wouldn’t be home for a few hours as he was entertain gin guests from out of town for a late dinner. What do I do?

I heard more noise coming from the back of the house by the pool. SOMEONE or someones were there. I shot out of bed and grabbed my phone.

Dialed. No answer. Dialed again. Voicemail.

As tears streamed down my face and terror swept over me, I willed my feet to walk with only one thing on my mind. GO CHECK ON THE GIRLS. My older daughters’ rooms were on the other side of the house, past the all-glass doors on the back side of the house. Whoever was there would see me. I couldn’t get past without being seen.

My heart was pounding in my ears and I was in cold-shock, sobbing, trying to force myself to exit the hallway and make it to my girls’ rooms. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. Panic washed over me. I dialed 911.

Through sobs I let the operator know someone was outside my house and the terror in my voice was unmistakable. She calmly told me officers were on their way and she told me to breathe. Once they arrived I was able to go to the door and let them in.

They checked outside, inside, and stayed with me until my husband came home- he had read a frantic text I sent. All was well after they secured our home, and it would be the next week when we would find out that there was a ring of break-ins in the area.

I had never in my life felt a terror like I did that night. In my existence on this planet, never had I experienced the freezing fear that had cemented my feet to the floor when in my mother heart I knew that I needed to check on my girls. The cold terror that crashed over me from the top of my head down to the soles of my feet left me marked. For Life.

I often think about what Esther must have felt when Mordecai told her to go before the King and ask for the life of her people. She knew that going before him without being summoned would surely mean that she could be put to death. Did she feel the ice-cold fear pour over her spine as she contemplated breaking the rules to save someone else’s life? Breaking the rules that could certainly end in her death?

The words her uncle said to her were laced with heavy truth and the threat of her own safety as well.

“Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape.  For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

She had to face the truth that she was where SHE was at for a reason. For a purpose. She was WHO she was to fulfill her destiny.

As I continued through my week after the attempted burglary of my home on that terrible night, I made a statement that changed my life. I stood where I had previously been frozen in fear without the strength to fulfill my duty as a mother to protect my children, and I declared with a fervor that surprised even me,

” I will never be afraid like that again. I will never let fear have me again!”

I put cameras on the exterior of my home, lit up every possible corner of the house, and went to classes to learn how to shoot a gun. I trained and got my gun carry permit and decided that week that I was done letting gear get the best of me. I determined that with God’s help I would face whatever stood before me in the future and I would refuse terror.

Fear was my enemy. Fear lied to me and said I couldn’t do what needed to be done. It told me that everything could go wrong and that horrible things could happen. Fear made me forget that with God I can do ALL things and that nothing is impossible for Him. Fear was not helping me. Fear is not my friend, it is the enemy.

Every time I am faced with a difficult situation or an enemy that is seen or unseen, I imagine Esther. I picture her standing and facing the doors that she would have to pass through on her way to the throne that could either sentence her to death, or tip the scepter towards her with favor. I pray. God, grant me the grace and favor of Esther. Fill me with courage and strength to do what You have called me to do for such a time as this….